You thought you were so smart buying that new shirt at Goodwill, didn't you? You get a nice item of clothing, save a few bucks, and no one knows the difference. Maybe you were going to take yourself out for ice cream with the savings.
Wrong.
This shirt is not a bargain. It costs $3.95 plus your sanity.
Being the savvy shopper that you are, you read the tag and see it's hand wash only. Okay, no problem, you'll throw it in the sink with a splash of detergent and it's good to go.
Wrong again.
As soon as your beautiful red shirt hits the water, it's like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre up in there. Your wash water goes from clear to opaque in 5 seconds, and you're elbow deep in it before you know what hit you.
It becomes readily apparent that this is no ordinary shirt, as you cycle the rinse water at an alarming rate. The bathroom looks like a murder scene, your garment is hemorrhaging like a Hanover, and you are powerless to stop it.
After about thirty rinses you realize the damn thing was dyed with unicorn blood and hand stitched by Lady MacBeth.
It is, after all, the only logical explanation.
note to self: laundry from hell
note to self: hiding
When you're getting into a car and see someone you want to avoid walking towards you, your best option is a dramatic dive into the backseat where you can crouch down and hide. However, don't get up after what you estimate has been an acceptable passing period. Just lay there. Pretend to be ill, asleep; feign a gunshot wound if you have to. Maybe even wait til you're on the highway before resuming a vertical seated position. Because however long you think is long enough, it is not.
note to self: baking disasters
If you're baking a cake and don't have any powdered sugar, just use the regular kind, even though your icing will taste like chocolatey sand. Putting regular sugar through your electric coffee grinder will not do the trick. It will, however, fill your kitchen with that burning rubber smell you thought only the vacuum could make. 
note to self: maturity
Just because you cried every time your mom gave you a haircut doesn't mean you'll do it when you finally go to a salon. Good job, slightly more grown up you.
.....
Also, your hairdresser is actually a man. Just a heads up.
The best illustration of surprise ever made.
note to self: get over it
Stop dreaming about that attractive musician/puppeteer from the library storytime you take your babysitting charges to -- he is never going to reciprocate. Even if you laugh at his jokes, greet him by name before the show, or know all the words to his Rainbow Bus song. He probably thinks you are a single mother with two children under the age of four who only comes to storytime to stalk him. And you know what? He's half right. Library Pete is an understanding man, but you can't blame him for wanting to dodge that bullet. Sorry.
Dream on, creeper.
Note to self: listening carefully
When your boss complains about her backyard being overrun with hogs, make sure she did not, in fact, say hawks before you launch into a rant about the dramatic increase in feral hog populations across the South, the dangers of encountering them, especially those that have interbred with giant domesticated Russian boars, and that documentary titled "Pig Bomb" you saw about it on Discovery last month.
note to self: circumspection
Although a traffic jam may seem like the ideal place for catching up on things you couldn't do while piloting a vehicle, remember you have four windows and are surrounded by people. You won't realize the old Geoffrey Rush lookalike in the convertible next to you is watching you check your underarms until it's much too late.
