note to self: hiding

When you're getting into a car and see someone you want to avoid walking towards you, your best option is a dramatic dive into the backseat where you can crouch down and hide. However, don't get up after what you estimate has been an acceptable passing period. Just lay there. Pretend to be ill, asleep; feign a gunshot wound if you have to. Maybe even wait til you're on the highway before resuming a vertical seated position. Because however long you think is long enough, it is not.

I don't mean you'll sit up too soon and catch his attention as he passes by, resulting in an awkward situation. No, I mean it doesn't matter how long you hide, because your assailant saw you getting into the car from a distance, purposefully walked up to the car, and is now staring you down six inches from the glass when you sit up. There is no escape.

If you think it's bad now, wait til he puts his hand through the open front window.

note to self: baking disasters

If you're baking a cake and don't have any powdered sugar, just use the regular kind, even though your icing will taste like chocolatey sand. Putting regular sugar through your electric coffee grinder will not do the trick. It will, however, fill your kitchen with that burning rubber smell you thought only the vacuum could make.

note to self: maturity

Just because you cried every time your mom gave you a haircut doesn't mean you'll do it when you finally go to a salon. Good job, slightly more grown up you.
.....
Also, your hairdresser is actually a man. Just a heads up.


The best illustration of surprise ever made.

note to self: get over it

Stop dreaming about that attractive musician/puppeteer from the library storytime you take your babysitting charges to -- he is never going to reciprocate. Even if you laugh at his jokes, greet him by name before the show, or know all the words to his Rainbow Bus song. He probably thinks you are a single mother with two children under the age of four who only comes to storytime to stalk him. And you know what? He's half right. Library Pete is an understanding man, but you can't blame him for wanting to dodge that bullet. Sorry.



Dream on, creeper.

Note to self: listening carefully

When your boss complains about her backyard being overrun with hogs, make sure she did not, in fact, say hawks before you launch into a rant about the dramatic increase in feral hog populations across the South, the dangers of encountering them, especially those that have interbred with giant domesticated Russian boars, and that documentary titled "Pig Bomb" you saw about it on Discovery last month.

She's not from around here; she will not understand.

note to self: circumspection

Although a traffic jam may seem like the ideal place for catching up on things you couldn't do while piloting a vehicle, remember you have four windows and are surrounded by people. You won't realize the old Geoffrey Rush lookalike in the convertible next to you is watching you check your underarms until it's much too late.

note to self: rural DMVs

Don't be too worried about passing your license exam -- half the test is dodging the wild turkeys in the parking lot.



This picture doesn't really reflect our topic, but geez is it scary.
Turkeys walking upright: WTF are we gonna do now?!

note to self: interpreting mixed signals

Just because the cute IT guy is polite and deletes your virus does not mean he wants to hook up. Then again, maybe it does. Too bad you destroyed your chances by telling him to "kill it with fire" and asking questions about putting a waffle in the DVD drive. Better luck next time.






Has this advice ever worked for you? When will you ever learn?

Note to self: modern idioms

The phrase "hot mess" does not mean what you think it does. Do a little research before spreading this around.

note to self: laughing at others' embarrassment

When the guy walking in front of you says hi to someone going the other way and is ignored, don't laugh. He will turn around, and he will be pissed. Also, quickly looking away and pretending to read posters on the wall won't make him think it was someone else. I know you were thinking this would be a great first meeting scenario for a romantic comedy, but really it's more likely this will end with your windshield being kicked in. Just saying.

special edition: note to innocent bystander

I think you deserve an explanation.
When I saw how heavily it was raining outside, I figured it was probably time to fix my umbrella, which was coming apart after surviving years of service and gale force winds on two continents. I didn't have any real fix-it materials, but discovered I could reconnect most of the metal parts with broken paper clips. I was pretty proud of my MacGyver skills, and went outside. While I didn't expect this to be a permanent solution, I also didn't expect that within 10 seconds the wind would whip through my umbrella and dislocate everything I'd fixed, shooting you, the innocent b.s., with bits of paper clip shrapnel in the process. I hope you weren't hurt--you seemed okay enough to jump away. I guess you could try to sue me or whatever, but you wouldn't get much. Let's face it: my life is held together by office supplies.

Ceci n'est pas un parapluie... but it is an accidental weapon. Watch out, bystanders of the world.

note to self: shady characters

That weird hissing noise and industrial smell at the crosswalk isn't the result of construction or painting: it's the guy behind you huffing something out of a plastic bag. Don't turn around.

note to self: airports

When picking up your luggage after a delayed, crowded flight and have only minutes to make your next one, it's a bad idea to try to pull your bag off the conveyor when its mostly buried under other people's. It will be stuck, and you will accidentally rip the wheels off while people stare at you. Also, when you check the tag, it turns out to be someone else's bag. Just throw it back on the conveyor, hope Delta has an insurance policy, and get the hell out of there.

note to self: introductions

When someone introduces themselves, it's never okay to respond with "I know". Even if you've lived in the same building for two years and have mutual friends, there's no way you're coming out of this looking like anything but a freaky creep. Sorry.